Raising a child in today’s fast-paced world can sometimes feel like a sprint toward achievements: good grades, sports trophies, and various other “milestones” that society seems to value. Yet, it’s worth asking ourselves: Are we teaching our kids to chase the right goals? Stoic philosophy offers us a different lens through which we can instill the value of focused effort in our children, rather than just the results.
To begin, it’s essential to understand that Stoicism places a strong emphasis on control—or rather, recognizing what we can control and what we cannot. In a child’s life, this can be as simple as acknowledging that they have control over how much effort they put into studying for a test, but not the grade they’ll ultimately receive. The grade is the outcome of various factors: perhaps the teacher included questions on topics not covered in class, or maybe the child had a bad day. If we focus on the grade, we might miss the bigger picture—that the child had studied diligently and done their best. In a Stoic household, that’s what truly counts.
How can you convey this to a child in a language they’ll understand? Start by making a distinction between goals and values. In life, we aim for goals but live by our values. Goals are specific outcomes, like getting an A on a test or winning a soccer match. Values are the qualities we demonstrate in pursuing those goals, such as hard work, integrity, and perseverance. The Stoic lesson here is to pivot the focus from goals to values. If your child adopts values like discipline and focused effort, the goals will often take care of themselves.
The next step is modeling this behavior. Children learn through imitation. If they see you embracing focused effort in your tasks, be it cooking dinner or preparing a work presentation, they’ll absorb that approach as a matter of course. When you talk about your day, share how you felt good putting in a strong effort, regardless of the outcome. Over time, your child will start to see that life isn’t just a series of boxes to check off; it’s a journey of striving, learning, and growing.
This doesn’t mean we should completely disregard results. It’s okay to celebrate when your child receives an excellent grade or scores a goal. However, the celebration should not just be about the result. It should include acknowledgment of the focused effort they put in to achieve it. This subtle shift in emphasis can be extremely empowering for a child. It teaches them that they have agency in their life, that their actions have value, irrespective of external rewards.
Applying these Stoic principles doesn’t require a complete overhaul of your parenting style. It’s more about fine-tuning the way you discuss achievements and setbacks with your child. Next time they face a challenge or failure, remind them that while they can’t control the world around them, they can control their actions and reactions. By doing so, you’ll be setting them up not just for success in the external world but for a lifetime of meaningful, purpose-driven effort.
