We Need to Talk
“We need to talk.” Those famous four words we are all too familiar with. Our instant response to this short sentence is that something bad is about to happen. I remember it well when they came my way. It was the beginning of one of the biggest obstacles I faced in my life until now.
At that time, we lived in a hotel in the Emirate of Ajman in the United Arab Emirates. This Emirate is far from the glamour of Dubai, but it was close to the school my ex worked in and a lot cheaper than the more famous city a few miles south. At one point, during the conversation where she told me that a divorce was the direction this was heading, I was sitting on the floor against the bed. This was before my Stoic journey, but I remember vividly creating a list in my head of what steps to take from here.
Early Stoic Signs
My pragmatic and solution-based survival mind kicked in. I have never been one to dwell too much on problems; I tend to search for ways to solve them. Looking back at it, these were the early signs that Stoic philosophy would become my philosophy of life. Living in the present moment, facing the obstacles head-on, and applying reason and logic to the situation.
The list I made in my head wasn’t very detailed yet, but it opened up a glimpse of a new future to replace the one that was being shattered. Although this may sound like someone with a plan and a clear direction, it was still a very difficult, confusing, and painful time. My behavior didn’t help me deal with this; the escape I was looking for was destroying who I was. This involved heavy drinking and other destructive lifestyle choices.
But at one point, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a miserable, depleted, and sad face staring back at me. I told myself that this was not going to be how my life would continue.
List of Post-Divorce Rules
It was time for some structure, and the best way I know how to do this is by creating a list. This was a list of a few rules that I decided to live by from here on, at least until I was able to deal with the internal and mental side of the story better. Here are some of those points:
- No alcohol
- Eat healthy
- Exercise
- Read more
- Take care of myself and my surroundings
- Find positive social gatherings
- Learn to be alone, not lonely
These few rules helped me climb out of the initial dark period and start my way back up. My journey of growth started from this moment. This is also where Stoicism crossed my path. As I started devouring books, the words of Epictetus passed by. This was like finding myself as one of his students on paper, and it was the verbal slap in the face that I needed.
Stoicism as a Philosophy of Life
The Stoics soon became my mentors. They helped me shift my mindset from being a victim to someone with agency and responsibilities. If I wanted to live well, then that was completely up to me. Their wisdom set me off on a journey of healing, and then later on, helping others overcome similar things and heal as well.
It was early on in this phase that I knew that Stoicism was my philosophy of life. This also made me realize that having a philosophy of life is key to living better, being more focused, and more consistent. It is something I hope more people would explore and find their own. Only by going on this journey can you learn to better understand who you are and what your values and principles are.
The Stoic Lessons
What were the key Stoic lessons that helped me turn this bad event into something that I now look back on as one of the best things that has happened to me?
1. Know Yourself
“It starts with knowing yourself, and what value you set upon yourself.”
Epictetus, The Discourses, Book 1, Chapter 2.11
The Stoics saw themselves as direct followers of Socrates, and that’s why knowing yourself is at the core of Stoic philosophy. After having set the rules I mentioned earlier, which helped me stop falling, it was now time to go deeper. I had to understand myself better, what my strengths and weaknesses were. This involved a lot of listening, reflecting, and introspection. By observing my reactions to things that happened to me, I was able to get a better grasp on who I am.
2. Finding Nature
“For if we do not act in a proper and orderly manner, and each of us in accordance with his nature and constitution, we shall no longer attain our end.”
Epictetus, The Discourses, Book 1, Chapter 6.15
Zeno of Citium, the founder of Stoicism, was one of the first philosophers to talk about living in accordance with Nature. Epictetus highlights this fact and mentions an end we wish to attain. To the Stoics, this is reaching a state of Eudaimonia. In short, this means being in a state of good character or spirit where one can experience peace and joy.
At first, I didn’t know what this meant to me, to live in accordance with nature. So my next step was to figure this out and find my nature and Nature in general. I did this by evaluating my current situation and asking questions about what direction I wanted to go in, as an individual and a member of society. Instead of living by the opinions of others or trying to please them, I started to walk my own path. My inner voice, or daimon as the Stoics called it, became clearer and stronger for me to hear.
3. What Is Up to Me
“Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever is our own action. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever is not our action.”
Epictetus, The Handbook, 1
This is one of the most famous teachings in Stoicism, and many start here or only know the dichotomy of control. It helps make a clear boundary between what is up to us and what is not up to us. As a people pleaser, this proved to be a difficult but important part of my training, one I still struggle with sometimes. But it also showed me that if I wanted to turn my life around, it was up to me to do so. Not by trying to change the world, but by changing my outlook and approach to the world.
4. What is Your Duty and Purpose?
“Seek it in that place, wretch, where your task lies. And where does it lie?”
Epictetus, The Discourses, Book 1, Chapter 4.11
Here is a great example of how direct Epictetus was to his students. He did so because it was his task to share the true nature of Stoicism and help his students focus on what mattered. It is also important for us to find and understand what our duty in life is. This connects with our Telos, or purpose. But our duty is more specific to the role we take on in a specific moment in time.
This view has helped me pinpoint where my responsibilities were and what I had to do in any specific situation. As we know from Stoic philosophy, virtue is the only good. So our main task is to be virtuous and use our rational minds. We can do this better when we know what our specific role is and what nature expects of us. Therefore, when you struggle with this next time, ask yourself: What is my role here, and what is expected of me by nature?
5. Apply Virtue
The main idea behind Stoicism is that virtue is the only good. I placed it last here because it can also be the most difficult concept to understand. When we are able to apply some of the ideas mentioned before, we can start to see the importance of virtue better. When we break virtue down into its four cardinal elements, we can see its relevance even more clearly: Wisdom, Justice, Courage, and Temperance.
My main struggle is with Temperance, as many others are as well. It was one of the reasons why I quit alcohol completely, because my limit was between zero and one. But understanding what virtue is required in each situation will help you better examine what is happening and determine the best course of action to take. This approach will also help you identify the points in your life you need to work on.
Divorce, the Best Thing That Happened to Me
In the moment, things like divorce seem horrible and bad, but Stoicism teaches us to withhold that judgment. We cannot see what the real impact of such an event is. Moreover, it is not a bad thing in and of itself. It is just the separation of two individuals who were in a legal relationship. Whether it turns out good or bad is up to you. And this is decided by whether you are able to remain virtuous and use reason and logic to get through it.
When I look back at that moment now, sitting in the hotel room on the floor, I realize that it was a turning point in my life. It has brought me on the path that I am on right now, and I feel far more in balance with myself and my purpose in life. It allowed me to find myself and understand who I am. There will be more obstacles to come in the future, but I am confident that I have the tools and mental resilience to face them with virtue and reason.
If you’re going through something similar, I invite you to take a deep breath, pick up a Stoic text, and write your own list. You may be closer to peace than you think.
Learn more about Stoic coaching to help you with your journey: viastoica.com/stoic-coaching/
About the Author
Benny Voncken is the co-founder of ViaStoica.com and co-host of the Via Stoica Podcast. He is a Stoic coach and teacher who applies Stoicism to help others find greater purpose and peace, just as he is doing himself. You can subscribe to The Pause, the monthly Via Stoica newsletter, for a moment of reflection and philosophical clarity: viastoica.com/subscribe-to-via-stoica-newsletter